Change, the only constant

  • I am feeling nostalgic and sad, but also very at peace. I am where I am because of who I am, and I belong right here right now. I shouldn’t be anywhere else at this moment.
  • First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes. Listen to it.
  • I still remember you telling me to grow up a year ago, that I was naive, that the world can be a fucked up place. “Welcome to the real world…”
  • Hey bitch, I haven’t changed at all. You know who has, though?
  • I can create my own little world and live in it myself.
  • It amazes me the places that girls’ hair can get. I saw a strand in the men’s toilet today, and I also had to pick one off of my pillow the other day. Not sure how that happens.
  • I suppose it’s time to look towards the future. Thanks for reading, bbs.

radtracks:

first day of my life // bright eyes

yours is the first face that i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
now i don’t know where i am
i don’t know where i’ve been
but i know where i want to go

I don’t know what it is, but this song is just beautiful

welp

fucked up today

In a way, it’s scary to me how easy it is to leave people behind. I burn bridges decisively, in fluid motions, and I can always ration out why: because if I can’t see someone in my life 20 years into the future, why should I spend time on them now? In a harsh, literal sense, I still believe this to be true. 

Of course, people are people, friends are friends, and even though someone might not be in your life forever, it doesn’t warrant their immediate exit from your life now. Memories stay forever, I understand that. Sometimes I get scared of myself, how willing I am to cut everyone off who I think needs to be cut off. Oh, this friend and I haven’t talked in a year? I guess that’s it. Sometimes I fear that eventually I’ll end up with no one but myself. I still believe that the people who you see in your long-term future are the ones who you work with, because man, you hold on to those people for dear life. In many ways, they are your life.

Regardless, life has been pretty good, I think. I’ve been feeling alright, and I feel defined in terms of who I am and what I want for myself.

I’m not sure what this feeling right now is, but it’s weird and not okay. I think it’s stemming from a mixture of confusion and just wanting something to think about, but it’s not acceptable. I don’t know why I feel this way all of a sudden, but hopefully it passes over soon. Just a phase.

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Saturdays

Waking up before 11 on a weekend morning is just not a pleasant experience, but today I woke up early-ish to go play volleyball with my peeps at Brodie in preparation for our IM league. I never really played much volleyball in high school, but it was a lot of fun getting rallies going and learning about basic volleyball schtuff. 

I’m just lying in bed at 5:30 PM doing nothing, with an upcoming week that looks like it’ll be pretty rough. I’ve had one midterm, and have three more to go before fall break, but I guess I might as well enjoy the calm before the storm. I was talking to my roommate yesterday, and he told me that sometimes he forgets I’m an ECE major and in engineering.

I thought about it, and to be honest, I sometimes forget I’m an engineer also. I’m aware of what classes I take, but I never really feel like it defines me or who I want to be. I mean, I love being associated with Pratt, but I don’t feel like I fit into it as well as other people do. Whatevs.

My entire upper body feels really sore. I need more sleep and less exercise.

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caramellsamosa:

Complimenting my friends like

image

(Source: forget-me-not-be-my-friend, via lights-and-darks)

(via positive-emoceans)

sofapizza:

not again robert, think of the children

basically me? LOL

(Source: reddit.com, via tastefullyoffensive)

The Night

I’m in a writing mood today, so write I shall do. 

I was laying in a bed that is not mine, in a room that is not mine this afternoon, and one of my friends walked in. Coincidentally, it was not my room, nor his room, and the actual residents of the room were not there. Bros 4 lyfe, friends 4 lyfe.

Wait, that actually happened twice. A friend walked in once while I was laying on the bed, and then I had to go somewhere, came back, and then got back into bed. Then another friend walked into the room while the first one left. Basically, I spent a lot of time in someone else’s bed today. And I actually don’t think I ever saw the person who’s bed I was in today. 

ANYWAY, I had a couple of good conversations while in that room, and then later on with someone else in the Keohane Atrium, and it opened me up to the concept of idealism vs. practicality.

In some senses, I’m a very practical person, while in others, I am extremely idealistic. Some people idealize their careers - they want to find what they love to do, while I’ve pretty much accepted that all jobs are shit jobs, so I may as well specialize in a secure field that pays well. On the other hand, I idealize my relationships - I hope the person I end up with is perfect for me, so I live my life according to how I hope they are living theirs. 

In general, it’s all a matter of perspective and wow it is 3:30 AM and I have an 8:30 tomorrow.

The Unexpected

I think writing is an amazing thing. Being conscious and accepting of how you feel is one of the first steps towards realizing who you are, and then becoming who you want to be. Of course, it can be done without writing everything down, but shut up.

Today is not going as planned. I had a Physics midterm which I expected to be easy, and to be honest, it was. I was just an idiot and decided to fix a minor mistake over and over again, leaving me no time to finish the rest of the test. Efficiency matters, and I generally think of myself as a smart test-taker, but I was dumb today. I did badly, that’s all I know.

After Physics, I got on a C2 to head over to work. I pulled the string, and the doors opened - the front doors. Only. I got caught behind a bunch of people and finally made it to the door, only to realize it was closed and the bus was already pulling out. At this point, I concluded that today was not going to be a good day. I stayed on the bus and decided that I would get Grace’s and bubble tea for lunch instead.

I got back to my friend’s room and started to think about my upcoming assignments, including my Physics lab and diffeq homework due tomorrow. Following the death of one of my lab partners (that sounded way too casual), my lab group now consists of three people. I realized that Alex actually had all of our data with him, and I guess it hit me at that moment that when you die, you actually cease to exist.

As a person who interacts and talks to multiple people each day, sometimes it’s easy to forget that each one has their own story, their own little piece of humanity. Sometimes, people exist for you only in the abstract sense - some people you only know as “hi, how are you?” buddies. And most of us, I think, have many of these people in our lives. In a sense, they are all the same person. We don’t know anything about them other than the fact that they’re “good”.

This was who he was to me. But it is so detrimental to realize that he was a person with friends, and family, and responsibilities. He was our guy; I remember he had proactively done all of the integral questions in lab, he had the Excel file saved, and shared it to all of us via Google docs. And when I sat there and realized that we were missing data, I became painfully aware of just one of the small roles that he had played in this world. It is unfortunate, sometimes, to think that people’s lives only affect others because of what they provide for others.

I have to go to work now, so I’ll finish this later.

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